Torturing Hermione
by A Shade of Green
Summary: Parody of what we do to Hermione in order to satisfy the crazy bunnies.
1. Romance Sucks

_Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing!_

_A/N: Hello fellow readers. Well, I was at Rachel's house today, and we were bored and decided to mess around with We tried every single Male/Female pairing for Hermione, and we saw the sickest ones... So I felt bad for Hermione, and I wrote this story. Note this is a parody, and is not meant to offend anyone!_

Hermione Granger was walking innocently down the halls of Hogwarts. Being the studious girl that she was, she was heading towards the library. However, she was pulled into a classroom by a certain Draco Malfoy.

"Oi! Malfoy, what do you want with me?" she asked. "Wait! Why do I sound like I'm an American with a fake British accent?"

"Oh, Hermione, my love, we cannot continue our affair anymore! We must break apart, for my father says he will disown me if we go on with our marriage! But because my love is so overwhelming for you, I shall forget him and we shall begin our new life together!" he said, hugging her.

"Wait, what? I'm confused... Why are you hugging me? What are you doing? What's going on?" she said nervously.

"Oh, my dearest Hermione, I have been cursed as the fan fiction writer's toy, as have you! They seem to think that because I was rich and probably had a tutor, I speak kind of funny and I'm really smart. But does that matter? For we have found true love!" After hearing that, Hermione slowly backed out of the door and ran down the hall.

"Miss Granger, 20 points from Gryffindor for running down the halls," Snape said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Professor Snape, thank goodness! I think that there's something wrong with him. He's different from his usual self, and he said something about fan fiction writers. Please, help me, he hugged me and said I was his love," she pleaded.

"What!" he cried out in outrage. "Why are you caring about Draco? What about me? I'm the one that was misunderstood as a child, not him! Are you shagging him? You should be shagging me, not him. Hermione, I love you. I just can't admit it because I'm your professor!" Hermione, freaked out again, ran away to another hall, where she saw Dumbledore.

"Professor, are you alright?" she asked. He seemed to be pouring a liquid on his lemon drops carefully.

"Ah, Miss Granger, is something the matter?" he said, quickly hiding the bottle and the bag of lemon drops in his large sleeves.

"Yes sir, Malfoy and Snape are all hitting on me, and I'm acting like I'm an American girl that knows nothing!" she wailed.

"Oh?" he raised and eyebrow. "Alright, I've been planning for this for a while. Now, take this time turner-" one that he produced out of this large sleeves "-and spin it like crazy until you hit about 100 years. Then, go to Hogwarts, tell the current headmaster that you're an exchange student from Durmstrang, try to get into Gryffindor, and then we'll get married and have the most intelligent children of the world."

"What!" Hermione said. She could hardly believe the words that had come out of his mouth.

"Yes, for in this time period, it is too risky to proceed with our love. Remember, you shall have to woo me, for I will not trust you at first. But- Hermione? Hermione! Come back!" But she didn't hear, as she bolted towards the Common Rooms.

"Harry, Ron, I think Voldemort did something to- Harry? Ron?"

"Why is my name always second? Why? Is it because you're cheating on me with Harry? No, that's wrong! You should be with me! Why do I have to be the sidekick!" Ron said, emotions changing from angry, to sad, to pathetic.

"Shut _up_ Ron, Hermione doesn't want to hear that! She wants to be with the hero because we look so cute together. You can go and have some incest thing with Ginny. Go! Shoo!" Harry said harshly as Ron obeyed.

"Now, Hermione, we're going to somehow have sex right under the headmaster's nose, you're going to get pregnant, and then you're going to go to the States so that in about 5 years, I meet you and our twins, but I don't know that they're mines. Ok? Good, let's go," he said, pulling her towards his rooms. Again, Hermione bolted from sight.

'Too much running tonight,' Hermione thought. What was the matter with the boys? What happened? She decided to talk to take a walk around the grounds. However, even that was interrupted by Lord Voldemort.

"Ah, my Mudblood. Since unknown, uncanon stories say that Muggleborns are more powerful than Purebloods, you will be my queen and shall bear my child. We shall fall in love, but this time, I won't turn good. Never! Never! Mwhahaha- ack, hack. Ok, someone get me a glass of water," he said, taking the cup from one of his faceless Death Eaters.

"Oh SHIT!" she said, which was somewhat odd, because she went through six years without cursing.

And just when she thought things we're the worst that could happen, a girl popped out by her side.

"Hello!" she said too cheerily. "Even though you're a Muggleborn, I'm your cousin, who is also a witch. I come from America, and I'm here to give you a make over!"

"Who- what- where- wait, what's your name?" Hermione asked warily.

"My name? It's Elizabeth Anne Pearl Jennifer Summer Mary Cornelia Sue Black Weasley Potter Finnegan Malfoy Granger Riddle. But you can just call me Lizzie, because it's the in thing in the 21st century, which we were automatically teleported into when I showed up. So, take a shower, use this shampoo, and I'll go raid your closet. Let's go!" she said energetically, clapping her hands.

Hermione, wanting to shrink down and cry, backed up. Suddenly everyone was there, making her back up while watching another group set fire to a bunch of books, since that was supposedly what would make her cry. But, it didn't, and despite the fact that they were just near the Forbidden Forest, she backed up and fell into the lake.

A dog began swimming towards her, and as soon as it reached her, it changed shape and turned into Sirius Black.

"Sirius! But... I thought you were dead."

"Hey babe, I can never die, for I am the Hogwart's Man-Whore and I'm doing to de-blossom you! Come on; let's get you dry so I can de-blossom you!"

"What? No! Get away from me!" she screamed. Suddenly, she was in the Common Room, which was empty. Remus Lupin came through one of the doors holding a cup of hot chocolate.

"Ah, Hermione, you're awake. Here, have some chocolate," he said, pulling a bar of Honeyduke's Finest out of his jacket despite the fact that they were wizards, who wear robes.

"Oh my, everyone was all crazy! At least you're normal Remus," she said.

"Oh, hey, look at me, I'm a poor werewolf. I deserve some pity... Now that I've drugged you with chocolate, we're going to read a book or two, and then I'm going to start up a fire! Once it's warm, we're going to make love, because we're so in love, we have everything in common, and you should be pitying me," he said, taking out multiple books.

Hermione screamed. As she did, her surroundings changed into her bedroom. It had all been a dream... She sighed happily. However, she didn't notice the multiple amounts of teenaged girls watching her and writing down various things.

**FIN... Or not?**

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	2. Going Back in Time Woooo

Disclaimer- Gods, how many times do I need to say this? NOT MINE, DON'T SUE. Well... I do own myself, Greenie. And I own Trinity. Spicy owns herself; go check out her Trigun fics.

A/N- Ummmm, sorryforthelatenessplzdontkillmeeee... I'm sorry, ok? I had to completely rewrite this chapter, because the first one included a lot of fainting, and it wasn't working with me, and this is what happens what I watch Sex and the City before I fall asleep. Er. Don't kill me, not meant to targe anyone. Review, dang it!

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Hermione was tired. 

She was sick of everything that was happening, and frankly, she didn't even understand _why_ everything was this way.

The day after that fantastically odd dream, everyone seemed off, in a way. They were all slightly different, and it was as if they had all been replaced by poorly informed imposters.

For example, today. She had been called to the Headmaster's office, where he spoke to her cryptically, and gave her a familiar looking Time-Turner, even after he told her that she'd most likely never use the tiny hourglass again. When she inquired about it, he told her "Alas, the fates have changed, perhaps for the better, and we must all follow the destiny that the gods have paved for us. It is the only way, my dear."

From there, he turned odd again, almost like he was in her dream, so she ran off, giving a thanks and a goodbye.

That was right before luncheon, and now classes were almost over. She planned to go and hide _somewhere_. She didn't really care, as long as it was away from all human (and non-human; Hermione just couldn't forget when Moaning Myrtle suggested some rather erotic things that would have been erotic if she wasn't a ghost) contact, whatsoever.

And the irony was, as soon as she had gotten out of class, she was stuck in a crowd of students, who were standing there and pushing all for some reason. And of course, if losing some of her notes and getting some rather large bruises wasn't enough, the blasted Time-Turner broke.

So now, she was in some cupboard, in some other time, but she was still in Hogwarts. She assumed that the smart thing to do was to go to the Headmaster, but she was still in a bit of a shock, after she saw Sirius, seventeen and young, with some busty blonde in a classroom.

She felt that her virgin eyes were scarred for life.

And suddenly, the door opened, despite the amount of warding charms that she casted on the small closet.

"Hello there Hermione, how are you? Oh, you should get out of there, you're supposed to be in the Headmaster's office about now... Tsk, look at you! All dirty and covered with cobwebs... Well, I guess it's alright, seeing as what you saw... No person alive deserves that, not even Voldemort himself. Well, perhaps he does, but then again, you've been in some odd romances with him, haven't you?"

A girl with long black hair had opened the door and promptly pulled her out. She seemed to ramble, and ramble, going on and on as she swept the dust off of Hermione.

"Who are you? And what's that about me being in romances with Voldemort? How do you know my name?" Hermione demanded.

The girl laughed. It sounded like the clinking of fine china. Hermione was sickened by it. The girl, noticing this, apologized.

"Hmm, I still haven't grown out of that. Well, come on then. The story _has _frozen for you, and that only happens once in a while. Now shush, and follow me. We can't make much noise, many other people are working," the girl said, leading Hermione off to another classroom.

This room was filled with a numerous amount of people, all chatting with each other. They all had computers in front of them, and seemed to be reading something.

"Hello there Azul! How are you Pearl? And Hunter, your coffee break was over ten minutes ago, so get back to work." The girl leading Hermione seemed to have authority here, because the people sat up straight and worked with twice as much will as before.

Hermione was taken to another girl, who seemed to be looking at a three-dimensional map of Hogwarts.

"There you are Trinity, that took you a while. Now, who have you found?" the person said.

Trinity, the person that seemed so bossy, spoke with respect. "It's another Hermione and a Time-Turner. Fortunately, she hasn't changed her hair yet, and nothing's been said about her filling out in all the right places."

Trinity finally addressed Hermione. "This is Greenie, who's the leader of our little group. Sometimes we call her Gwen, but since that's not her real name, we only use that to annoy her."

"Erm... Nice to meet you, Greenie," Hermione said, still confused.

"Yes, no time for niceties, we should be getting you to the story... Oh no! The freezer broke; Hunter, repairs on the freezer, pronto!"

The said male, (Hermione noted that he was on of the few males in the room) jumped up from the computer and ran out of the room, carrying a small case.

"Pronto?" Trinity sniggered. "Anyways, how long is the story going to be frozen?"

"An hour at the least, it could take the whole day just to get through the guards... The dragons haven't been fed yet today," Greenie answered.

"Can someone tell me what's going on here?" Hermione asked.

"Trinity, show her around. Introduce her to whoever, lead her around, do whatever. Just get her the hell out of my sight... Two Sues inbound, Marissa, get them _now_, I want them sporked five minutes ago!"

"Come on Hermione, let's get you to the quieter room, there's much less people there to yell at me," Trinity said, leading her away.

She then began to talk again. "So you want an explanation, I assume. Well, technically, you don't exist. You aren't meant to exist here, in the past, but some people, who think themselves authors, write stories where you go into the past and fall in love with someone. Other people write romances that are in the correct time, but they make the characters so horribly out of character, that it causes dreams like the one you had last night.

"That dream was never supposed to happen. There's been such an increase of people writing these stories, which we call fanfiction, that we can't stop them all from affecting you guys. What happened today, with the Time-Turner, is what happens when we, the Canonizers, can't handle all of the fanfiction. We spin out of control, and you, the characters, experience falling into these stories. From there, we have no choice to act it out, and let you go back to your correct time and place as soon as possible, where we erase your memory of it."

"So, you expect me to really believe all of this? For all I know, it could be a complex scheme, and you could all be Death Eaters. The next thing that could happen is that someone could knock me out and I'd be held ransom for Harry," Hermione replied, suspicious of the seemingly impossible words that came out of Trinity's mouth.

"Well, then how would you be seeing a young Sirius, who is in fact, dead? How would we have even gotten to you? And what, on earth, could have happened to your Time Turner? I know you found the fragments and the sand grains when you came to this time, so don't say that we've taken it. Also, why would I show you our 'commander' of sorts? Don't try to outsmart me, I used to be a Smart Sue," Trinity told her.

Hermione looked quizzical at the mention of a Smart Sue. Trinity, sensing her confusion, quickly explained.

"You see, when authors write stories, some of them tend to make up their own characters. Most of the time, the character becomes perfect in any and every way. They're beautiful and powerful, and smart. They tend to replace you, and have a sordid romance with a main character. That's what people call a Mary Sue, called Sue for short."

They soon entered another classroom, where only one person was working at a computer. The others were sitting around her, chatting about whatever they were reading about on her screen.

"This is the Anti-Author's division. These people are authors themselves, as opposed to the Anti-Sue and Story Management division you were at earlier. Here, they actually aim at the authors that write these horrible stories instead at the stories themselves. There aren't as many people here though, because Greenie likes using real people who have tempers and insults, instead of Sues, because most of them have a personality that makes them too nice."

Hellos and greetings instantly filled the air as the workers saw the pair. They all rushed back to their computers, typing and reading and grinning very evilly.

"They're slightly cruel and evil when they, err, _review_ the authors, and that makes the author's either rebel and cause other people to try to talk to them, or the author's break down in tears and stop writing. Either way, they're rather effective, and we're always looking for new authors to join our cause."

"How can they join our cause when it's a secret, underground organization similar to the Mafia?" laughed an author.

"This is Spicy-Obsession. She's the person that showed Greenie how wrong she was to write a character like me. Now, Greenie's recruited her to be the head of the authors. It's scary sometimes," Trinity said.

"Spicy-Obsession at your service. Hmm. Another Hermione? Did the freezer break, or something?" the girl asked.

"Yes, Hunter went to repair it, though I doubt that it'll be anytime soon that it'll start working. You know how he can be sometimes," Trinity said, taking a seat. She motioned Hermione to do the same.

"Wait, isn't he the Stu that had some sort of talent with animals? I think I was the one that found his story..."

"Yup, that's the one. 'Harry Potter and the New Rivalry,' I think it was called. That was extremely bizarre, the way that Hermione was all over him."

"_What?_" Hermione asked, shocked. She was apparently a _slut_ the way that they had been talking to her.

"Oh, nothing. We know that you don't _want_ to be doing these things, and that people just make you do it anyway. It's not your fault at all, so don't worry about it," Spicy said.

Suddenly, a bell rang, the sound very similar to those in the Muggle school that Hermione used to attend.

"Snap, the freezer got repaired. Spicy, good luck with that author, Hermione, come on, hurry. We've only about five minutes to get the correct destination, and you've got to look dazed and confused, but mostly shocked. Hurry along now," Trinity said, sound professional.

The pair nearly had to jog to the hallway, because they were running late ten seconds, according to Trinity's watch. However the got there about a minute earlier, and they spent that time preparing Hermione.

But nothing, nothing at all could have prepared Hermione for what was going to happen next.

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A/N2- Bum Bum Bummmm, wasn't that a funny cliff? Sorry to toture you, but you know you love it. I'll get the next chapter out next month, if this update period was to judge.

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